Like so many these days, I found ‘the one’ later in life. My husband, J, and I got married when I was 36. When I met J I knew he was the one within the first few weeks. Everything was different. That way May. By the following October we were married.
We knew we wanted kids and talked about it from the beginning. I think I always had in my head that we would get married, and kids would come right away. I stopped any form of birth control a few months before the wedding. Month after month we tried. Month after month that period came. In January we decided to get more aggressive and began rounds of Clomid. It didn’t appear to change my hormone levels in any way. The next summer we decided to take a break from trying. They always say it happens when you aren’t trying. In July we received the best news. We were pregnant! It took longer than planned, but a year isn’t so bad. Then in August an ultrasound revealed that we had miscarried. It was hard, but now I knew we could get pregnant so I was optimistic.
The trying began again and we shifted from my gynecologist to a fertility doctor. Initial visits were very optimistic. By January he had become more aggressive with his testing. At the end of January he called me and asked me to come in. Something he couldn’t tell me over the phone? The nervousness was setting in. J and I went in a few days later. My doctor wasn’t there so the news came from his partner, whose demeanor was a little brash and unfriendly. He put it to me straight. He told me that my hormone levels were really bad, I was pre-menopausal, I had a 1% chance of getting pregnant. We just sat there. This was news I never expected. The delivery of the news didn’t help. I wasn’t comfortable asking questions to this doctor. I just wanted to get out of there.
My AMH was a 1.2, much below the ideal level, which tells them that my egg count is low. My FSH was 47. So off-the-charts high that they said the eggs I did have were probably all bad. He told me I would never have my own kids. He gave me pricing and information on donor and asked if I was open to adoption. Open to adoption? My head was still spinning from the news. How can I think about next steps yet.
Nothing made sense. If I had a 1% change of getting pregnant, how did I get pregnant last summer? Nothing was ok. Nothing felt right. This is the day that truly began my fertility journey, and the day I decided not to settle for the answers that were given.